THE SUMMER BELONGS TO US

The USA has lost to Ghana and we have to say we are glad if only because it means we will never again have to listen to Alexi Lalas' jingoistic xenophobia. The ACLU must investigate!

With just a few weeks of statistical data to digest, we here at PA have developed an understanding of soccer that surpasses every European nation. What we came away with was truly staggering. Make no mistake about this: Performance Analysis is a science, it is cold and brutal, precise and heartbreaking. You need only ask me why I want Bernie Williams to retire despite his Hall of Fame career and pleasant demeanor and you will know the pain of knowing too much.

The one place where performance analysis struggles is in the playoffs, as the Truth that is sample size is sacrificed so ESPN can continue to produce highlights set to Aerosmith's "Dream On". However misleading simple observation can be (Is Soriano really a star?) at the World Cup, it reveals an obvious difference between this and the fairer sports. Ironically, it was an American player who gave the best example of this disparity. Everytime a soccer player goes down, he clutches his leg and gives his best CG on Riverside Ave. face. What is the deal? If Mark Messier gave up the puck if front of his own net and then fell to the ice trying to draw a penalty instead of getting up and contesting or at least pulling down the opponent, he would never be allowed to put on a jersey again. Alexi Kovolov was admonished for weeks for a similar offense two years back.

And yet Claudio Reyna gets mugged in front of his own goal, goes down, gives up the goal, gets taken off on a stretcher (only to return to the field 5 minutes later) and all they can say is that he has never been subbed out before!

I'll be enjoying the next three summers all the more after this debacle - no dives, no small samples