IN WHICH WE FORETELL FROM TEENSY SAMPLE SIZES THE MORBID FATE OF THIS NEW STICKBALL SEASON

You can't predict this game.

- John Sterling

Despite Joe Sheehan's excellent discourse on why it's dumb and just plain impolite to predict an entire season from the first 20 games, 'dumb and just plain impolite' is what they are planning to put on our gravestone.

You don't have to survey the blog world to read the tea-leaves. (Note: we will use as many mixed metaphors as we wish for the duration of this piece, after which we will never mix metaphors again).

First off, it's pretty clear that for some teams, the season is over right now. That's pretty depressing, unless you are a Royals fan, in which case all it means is you now have company in the gloom room.

Teams that have no prayer include:

The Royals. Just sticking around so Reggie Sanders can entertain another generation of young children. He also does birthday parties on off-days, I'm told.

The Rangers. Sure the offense could rebound, but then it'll just make for a nasty road show that will likely end Keith Foulke's season AGAIN this year. You need pitching to win, and the Rangers don't have any, reminding me of

The Pirates. It's almost worse to be a Pirate fan, as the meet and greet billboard player of the moment, Sean Casey, won't likely play again.

The Marlins. When you sit down to watch this group of Floridian ragamuffins, you think yourself, "Why did the critics count the Marlins out? Sure, they won't go to the postseason, but you can't completely count this team out." Their lineup isn't actually that bad, and the Josh Beckett deal is looking like a win-win. The problem is, they don't have anybody to pitch.

The Nationals: They're done, but don't despair Nats fans, as this carwrecked disaster of a season will be enhanced by catastrophic breakdowns between different parts of management, Frank Robinson strangling one of his players and then going after Barry, and a new owner who may be shouting "Depo!!!!!" very soon.

The Dodgers. I didn't like what Ned Colletti assembled, although at least he didn't make any major mistakes and brought some star power to the ballpark. The problem is, this team actually had a chance to win their weak division if they retooled right, and just preventing a setback isn't doing your job. If the Dodgers were to win this division now, it would be a major, major upset. Nate Silver's pick of the D-Backs to take the Wild Card is still looking a bit daft, but they have a damn good shot at taking the division.

The Yankees. Their pitching saved them last year, with Aaron Small's fun little .276 BABIP and Shawn Chacon drinking the Torre Kool-Aid. Someone should lauch an investigation. This year, with Randy Johnson's weepy postgame in that horrid sweater not a good sign, the Yanks will be lucky to be in competition for the Wild Card. They can try to grind it, but one major injury and they're doomed. Doomed we tell you!

Meanwhile, the obvious teams are looking like contenders. Forget about the A's, because they always start slow and are the least likeliest team to be hurt by (1) injury and (2) bad front office management. The White Sox and Indians both look like the teams they were last year.

But the main focus should rightly be on our Boston Red Sox. With the best record in baseball, the Sox have played beautifully in close games. But to me the major story of the season is Curt Schilling. Sure the guy exercises questionable judgment naming his son Gehrig, but who cares? He looks like friggin' Walter Johnson out there. The Sox are going to win this division, and probably rather easily. Mark Loretta with a walk-off? They haven't even played to half of their potential and it's like something out of Ben Cherington's wet dream.

Viva La Red Ones!